Cycling invasion leaves regulars miffed

The eighth annual "Enviro-Nut Self-Absorbed Insufferable Bike Guy Convention" kicked off this morning aboard the 6:20 a.m. Washington State Ferry crossing from Bremerton to Seattle, as 183 annoying white men in bike pants and headlamps made their yearly sojourn from the Kitsap Peninsula to Fremont.

Clad in spandex and entirely too much durable ripstop nylon with vented membranes and tricot linings for waterproof, breathable and comfortable protection, the army of "pedal pilgrims" hydrated themselves with Power-Ade and oranges, forcing many regular BFFs (Bremerton Ferry Folk) to huddle in fear and resentment in the boat's galley.

Dan Cohen, spokesman for the group, said his organization, "Bikers Association Striving To Achieve Rider Domination of Seattle" (BASTARDS), is a peaceful group who does not want to force its lifestyle on the "phenomenally unfit" BFF population.

"Many ferry riders consider picking up the remote when it falls to the floor during "America's Got Talent" to be exercise," said Cohen between long drags on the tube of his hydration pack. "Most of our guys don't own televisions, both because we think not having them gives us moral superiority over those who do, but also because we can't afford cable TV after buying $700 portable Garmin Bike Computer Bundles that wirelessly transfer our speed, cadence and heart rate data from sensors taped to our hairless chests and built-in barometric altimeters for accurate elevations and profiles of our ascents and descents."

This year's Convention, which features the theme "Wasting an Entire Weekend in Sweaty Neoprene Pants", will include several breakout lectures in addition to the normal talks on "Acting Like You Can't Hear the SUV That Wants to Pass You and Should Just Run You Over, You Freak -- Move Over!" and "Helmet Hair: 3 Easy Styles".

"This year we've got a session on how to make homemade granola that doesn't taste like pocket lint, and a really fun session I'm excited about that helps you decide which pair of over-priced plastic sunglasses make you look more like a complete tool," said Cohen. "It's going to be fantastic!" 

Long-time Bremerton ferry rider Phil Carson, 79, of Gig Harbor, has endured all eight of the annual biker crossings and says he's found a way to deal with the intrusion of the group.

"Typically, they're all upstairs admiring each other's shaved legs and discussing body-mass indexes, so I've found that if sneak downstairs and pull the 'I'm a frail old man' routine, I can pretty convincingly stumble against one of their bikes down on the car deck, starting a chain reaction that can take them hours to untangle the chains and toe-clips once they head backdownstairs to prepare to disembark the boat," he explained. "Sure they're annoying as all get-out, but they're also a gullible bunch."