Ferry vs. Vanpool: Age-old question answered?

Groundbreaking new research published late Tuesday by the Ferry Research Society of America indicates that daily ferry riding is better for the environment, improves personal relationships and increases overall satisfaction in life. Those were the broad findings of the six-month study, announced today during a hastily called press conference aboard the 4:20 ferry Kaleetan's Seattle-to-Bremerton run.

"These findings are conclusive, really rock solid," explained Research Society Spokesman Erik Ogard, a long-time ferry rider who has appeared numerous times on CNBC television, thereby making his opinion iron-clad. "For years we've had a hunch that people who do vanpools have control issues and are a silent menace to Western society, but today's research results prove these hunches. I'm a very satisfied man, and I'm glad to be on the right side of this debate."

The research, carried out through casual observation conducted by nearly a half-dozen Washington ferry riders beginning last October, compared and contrasted ferry riding with vanpool driving across three key dimensions:

• control freakishness of vanpool drivers
• the illusion of having "more of your day back" among vanpool drivers
• dating lives of vanpool riders

"This research resolves a long-standing issue," explained the study's co-author Bruce Dunn, a ferry rider who added that he once appeared in the background of a "Storm Chasers" segment on CNN. "I was lobbying to include something weather-related in the study--like overlaying a diagram of vanpool van tire-treads over a scatter-plot diagram of the umbrella strength of ferry riders--but the guys vetoed me. I did, however, convince them to put a cool photo of the KING-5 Weather Chopper on the cover of the research report."

In assessing "control freakishness", vanpool drivers were found to be five times as likely to be control freaks than ferry riders. But Danny Sobba, a Fox Island resident who drives a vanpool and owns the most televisions on his block, heartily disagreed with those results.

"I never saw a survey or anything asking for my opinion, and I was constantly checking both my iPhone and my Blackberry while wading through digital photos of my kids. I was parking the van on the empty 9th sub-level of the garage where I work -- you know, so nobody would scratch it -- when I first heard the news of these research findings," said Sobba.

"This study omits the fact that on the ferry you have absolutely no influence over where you sit each day, nor over what other people are wearing," he continued. "It also overlooks the fact that dictating the conversation in a big open space like the ferry is a struggle, and you can forget trying to control what people think. Plus there's very little opportunity to buy gadgets to modify the experience in any way. The research is a crock."

Vic Leverett, a long-time ferry rider, was quick to suggest that Sobba's arguments masked a deep-seated phobia, however. "He's worried about controlling where you sit each day? Heck, last week we saw a homeless guy lick someone's face on the 6:20 a.m. ferry run," he said. "There's no way vanpool riders could deal with that. It's the ultimate in lack of control."

In defense of the "cornucopia of benefits" associated with vanpooling, Sobba told Ferry Tales he recently spent $31,650.83 of his own money to modify the standard issue Pierce Transit Vanpool van (pictured below) he drives daily round-trip from Gig Harbor to Seattle to meet his own needs.

According to Sobba, who vanpools with four co-workers, he sees the van as an extension of himself in many ways. "I wanted something that not only was practical but also economical, just like me," he said. "It's very comfy and will be cheaper in the long run, as the van has ample storage space for impulse bulk purchases at Costco on our way home from work."

When assessing "having more time back in your day", the research study found that vanpool drivers frequently delude themselves into a false sense of how much time they're "saving" by driving.

"Our study showed that while ferry riders are relaxing over $6 beer and $3.25 snack mix packages, vanpool riders are building gastric ulcers," said researcher Frank Gambardella, also a ferry regular. "What kind of life is it spending your mornings and evenings discussing car-sickness remedies and complaining about work? Plus vanpoolers are constantly saying things like, 'wow that idiot forgot to signal' and 'that lane looks faster'. It's really sad."

One former ferry rider, who switched to vanpool driving only to later regret it, agreed to discuss his mistake with Ferry Tales if we protected his anonymity. Therefore, we will refer to him by the alias John Gulman below.

"My life is a shambles," said Gulman, who says he converted to vanpooling in March under what he now describes as immense peer pressure. "All I ever heard from the vanpoolers was how awesome things were, how much earlier they got to work, how happy they were." Then, breaking down in tears, Gulman sobbed, "Yeah it's real fun being stuck behind a cattle truck that's jack-knifed at the 405 interchange on a Friday afternoon! I feel so used! So very used." 

Ferry rider John Leverett, who says Gulman's story is sadly not as rare as many would like to believe, agreed with the research. "Vanpool riders, from what I've seen of the study's findings, have an over-developed sense of the benefits of getting to work at 6:20 a.m.," he explained. "Sure it means you're the first to the office bathroom each day and you get your pick of coffee mugs from the dishwasher, but is it really worth the toll on families and personal lives? I think not."

Sobba disputed the findings. "It's not true. I always grind, brew and bring my own coffee; it's best not to leave that to just anyone else. And the toll on me is minimal. Sure, I'm too tired to function when I get home from driving for 90 minutes round-trip each day, but I have more of my life back for sleeping on the couch and being grouchy. Plus I recently hired a guy to update the van's dashboard so we're now on equal footing with the ferries in terms of refreshments." 

Interestingly, and contrary to the rest of the study's findings, vanpool riders do, apparently, have more interesting dating lives than do their ferry-riding counterparts.

"I can see where [the research results] would be valid. Now I recruited mostly women for my vanpool, but that's just coincidence," Sobba insisted. "Normally, women pay attention to me only when I split the back of my Dockers in public, and then it's not really what I'd call friendly. On the van, they seem captive -- I mean captivated -- by everything I have to say."

According to Sobba, he invested $18,412.17 of his own money to retro-fit the back of the van with leather upholstery to make the ride more comfortable for the ladies. "It also has a flat-panel TV, a microwave and hot-pockets, SONAR, and more than 4,000 GPS maps built in, which I never actually use, but it is good to know I'll never be lost in Costa Rica."

Sobba added that he has fashioned his vanpool into a holistic experience modeled after one of his all-time favorite movies: the 1977 classic "The Van":

The ferry riders, for their part, did not dispute the dating statistics uncovered by the study.

"The ones I know -- the ones who don't look like they're unemployed carnival workers -- are all happily married or engaged men," said ferry rider Bill Madden. "Plus have you seen what passes for women on the boat? Good grief!"

Although fringe groups like Sobba and his compatriots allege that the research findings were flawed, the Ferry Research Society of America believes the science, and the issue, are settled.

A full downloadable PDF of the report will be made available on Ferry Tales in the days ahead.